priestofmelody

Never thought life would play such cruel jokes upon me. There have been several women in my life I have desired for relationships when I became too good of friends with them to ever be in a romantic entanglement. And, of course in every case they all had an interest in me until apparently they got to know me well enough. And, of course the more I got to know them the more interest I had in them. I always want to become good friends with a women before I pursue, but you always end up with the dire question pressing on your mind. Is it ok to pursue? Does she perceive me the way I do her? I’m not a guy who just walks up to every women and asks her out. I want to know that she is interested in me first and she would love for me to take her out. But, I guess this is not how life works. I guess it is time to burn another bridge in my heart and continue on. Maybe one day I’ll understand how this world works and play it’s game. Till then I’ll be the hopeless romantic.

Worthless
Stupid
Ugly
Fat
Angry
Murderous
Sick
Unhappy
Horny
Confused
Hungover
Tired
Dead
Bloated
Empty
Hopeless



You say, I want to be miserable. I say, I was never given a choice.

This life continues to become so pointless for me. Everyday is far worse than the last.

My only desire is to sleep forever.

"If you can't make the world better, just don't make it suck more"

Throughout history there have always been those who wish to change the world and leave a postive mark for all of posterity to enjoy. Sometimes it's a fluke of incident others willful determination to overcome obstacles. There are those in this world who only think of the benifits for themselves. How evolution has created to become so overrun with our own selfish greed I'll never know. But there are those among us who wish not evil upon our brothers and sisters. There are those who see the world for what it truly is: an organic machine where we are all gears in it's function. If you disrupt a gear from it's function the machine will stutter and eventually become null.

Mother nature can always create the machine over and over again, given the sun is still shining.

I wonder what history books an objective historians will say of our time, if even there is anyone literate enough to understand.

My heart burns
Yearns for your touch
A sweet rose's bitter bite

Wounded angle
Clipped wings
Keeping your love from flight

Suns pass but I only long to feel the warmth of your embrace

Time I fear
Will strengthen my desire
Tormenting my mind

Light of my day
Your smile
Though the bane of my existence

The morning how I would love so, waking to you.

I don't know about anyone else but I won't be voting this year. I would rather protest the whole damn system. Electronic voting is a rigged system. McCain will continue the United States imperialistic endeavors and Obama will pretend to fix the American economy.

There is only one way to fix our economy and give Americans the liberty we should have. Take back control of the issuance of currency and invest it into the United States government. The Federal Reserve Bank and it's backers have been making way too much money off of American citizens. And, congress doesn't know how to curb it's borrowing practices from these fraudulent lenders. This system only furthers war efforts, increases the price index through inflation, and puts hundreds of millions of Americans in debt through pawning off of interest payments via the federal income tax. Not too mention the system of loans and credit that further our monetary enslavement.

Here's a little bit of info about me and why I'm so angry at our current situation. I spent nearly thirty thousand dollars trying to get a bachelors degree. Now since I didn't obtain it nor have the means to pay this back immediately, I have to spend a very long time paying back the cost. Since under our current economic model the price of everything will continue to increase into infinity while our wages are less flexible in that respect my ability to pay back the price of an education diminishes tremendously.

Don't you just wish "We the people" had the power to band together and impeach our officials instead of leaving it to those who are in the pockets of the system?

So I have been growing my hair out for over a year now. Part of me is so ready to cut it off and have something easy to work with again. But I promised myself that I would let it grow out to my shoulders like I have always wanted. A lot of women have called me pretty but as my roommate said "pretty, not fuckable." I find it a little funny as what makes a woman tick. Some like the long hair and others not so much.

But to be honest I feel liberated growing my hair out, esspecially since I have been growing mutton chops as well. I mean I know I'm not the normal attractive male. I don't have a strong jaw line or a firm chin like all masculine meat heads, nor am I really built. So unfortunate for me I will never truly be attractive in the eyes of society. But, fuck them anyway. I had a dream over a year ago about looking how I do now. I was looking at myself in a mirror and said to myself; "I can do anything." (I was also dressed like Goku from dragonball-don't know how that got in the dream). So I resolve myself to become free and release myself completly and let the hair grow out, when I become who I am the hair will dissapear.

I once had a girlfriend call me beautiful and handsome. It was the only relationship I had ever been happy in. Sometimes I would give anything to have something like that again but life is not that kind to me. There's a part of me that is growing my hair out for her when I should be doing this completely for myself.

Here's to me becoming free.

Note to self: Save cash for tattoos and piercings.

My roomate Jessie made me think about our past. She had gotten a lot of thing out of storage and I recoginized a lot of it from high school. I've been reliving a lot of those times of old. I remember Me, Jessie, Cory, and Tiffany would hang out all the time after school. It was pretty much a mandatory meeting of the nerd pack. Now I was dating Tiffany who was friends with Jessie and she was dating my best friend Cory. It's a little funny-but actually very understandable-how Jessie and I came full circle. See we weren't really that close during that whole time. As in, me and her never just hung out till after those bonds of friendship had been disolved because of relationship tension in the group. In a way it makes me wish I had known her better when I was a little younger and the burdens of life had not been fully placed upon my shoulders. But, wishing life had been another way is a foolish thought. I'm happy to discover a friendship I had never known in her.

So I also thought about what my room use to look like. I'm a big fan of expressing yourself through the art of making your room everything that is you. For a while I got away from all my childish things (as society dictates them). Which meant no more gundam model figures, silly posters and the like. I guess I felt that a woman could not like me cause I looked to much like a big kid (I seem to only think about mating-guess it's a guy thing). But since then I have constantly struggled to find myself over and over again. I have no reminders of who I am and what I really like. Perhaps what I have been missing the most over these years of moving and a crisis for self identity is my own little temple. I spent so much time running from the attachtment of my memories that I never took the time to stop and connect myself with my past so I could understand who I was.

"It's true what they say, I have never let myself just be."

That maybe you should have just kept your mouth shut. I'm one of those people who when I have emotions I need to talk about them or my body will slowly implode and then go super nova. But talking about it is not always the best choice. If I was more of a man I could grit through how I feel and not let it bother me. Unfortunately, I have to open my mouth. Don't get me wrong I feel great that I let it out but I also feel I opened a door to a resentment of situation.

"Life is funny, if you only laugh at it"

I just saw The Dark Knight it yesterday. If you want to see film perfection watch that movie. I can only hope one day to get the chance to play a character like the joker. The late Heath Ledger will forever be a source of acting inspiration and perfection.

So since I have been working so much to try and continue living all parts about me that I enjoy are slipping away. I barely have time and motivation to compose. I swear being alive is a catch 22. I have pretty much lost all hope for a better existence-there is only a fools hope now. Yet, I continue to survive just so I can hang out with a few choice people. I have no excuse besides her to even keep living.

I guess I should stop bitching so much about our society and my distaste for it but it's really my only beef with life. The american nobility class has grown stronger and is slowly eroding away the middle class into the muddy trenches of poverty. If we could right these wrongs and allow all people to become economically liberated perhaps then I would have a little more joy. But my heart is heavly ladened with sorrow. Dark is the tunnel and far is it's end.

My desire to find a companion commands my attention. It haunts my dreams. I like who I am but I ponder whether if I was a little more manly could I obtain the object of my fancy. Everyone says be yourself, but it seems myself doesn't get the girl. Maybe I was just born in the wrong century. I try to resolve myself to get rid of all these feelings but I can't seem to put them out of my mind. It's not a bad thing to want to have someone, if even just for a little while. Though I'm pretty sure my personality would destroy most relationships I could potentially enter in. Fate has not smiled upon me, it merely smirks.

One day after I'm dead a book will be written about the life that never was.

After all, it's only a dream.

This friday marks the 232nd year since our founding fathers gave King George, his central banking system, and his oppressive taxes the middle finger. Our fathers died in hopes that we would live free lives, that mankind would view each other as equals, and that all would know that power cannot be consolodated into anyones hands. They created a system of government that invested power into the governed. How short lived their dreams were. After Thomas Jefferson the country had begun a downward spiral. The European money changers wanted control of our country and they would stop at nothing to exploit it. Rothchild said it best "Give me control of a nations money supply and I care not who writes it's laws." Our ancestors have been through a lot to fight business man and their explotation of laborers, war profiters, and rich men seeking full control of the state. So here we are in present day. The money changers in the privately owned central bank of the U.S. (the Federal Reserve) have control of our money. Congress voted to consolidate power in our CEO/King George Bush. We are fradulantly being taxed on our wages and overly taxed on everything else-while at the time all the rich elite benifit from tax breaks. I think it's high time we gave our government the middle finger and showed them that they are In-Dependence of  "We the people." It is time to stand up for ourselves and shout in harmony together "No more!" I am tired of the presidential canidates and their lies upon lies. We seem to take it as common place, as though that is the way it is suppose to be. Our two choices for CEO leave us again to choose the lesser of two evils. McCain will do nothing to better America, he is a clone of George. Obama I can't trust. You just don't vote "yea" to nominate someone who has commited perjury to become secretary of state. We all know they were warning signs before september 11th and Condi lied during the 9/11 commision that there weren't-the whole agencies not sharing information is bull, I would like to think that your job depends on sharing matters of national security. So someone should ask Obama if he is ok with perjury or just completley oblivious to 9/11.




This November don't vote. Protest the whole damn system.

I really do wish I could reconcile my existence. I'm tired of being what I am but there is no ability to escape who I am. I am not comforted when someone tells me that everybody goes through (insert problem). So then are you telling me that I'm just a big puss and need to man up. But "manning up" only means that I bottle things inside until I explode on somebody. I can't cope with our society. I can't deal with the marketization and explotation of human existence. I can't deal with the seemingly tragic fate that awaits our culture. Furthermore I can't deal with being thrust into this society when I never wanted to be a part of it in the first place. I should have never listened to my mother, infact I shouldn't listen to a single person because most of you don't seem to know what the hell your talking about. You only tell me of your experience, but you have not a single clue how it feels to be who I am. There is no peace for me. No action I can take without feeling a poor consequence. Every descion seems ill fated. The only wise choice would be to die. What a wonderful life we humans live. I sometimes think my life would be a lot better if I was completely retarded. Ignorance in all it's forms is bliss, naivity joy, stupidity splendor.

Climb the corporate chain, suck the man's dick, feed off of the stale crumbs from his beard. We are a tribe of technologically advanced monkies. Not a damn thing has changed in over 50 million years.

So it seems like forever since I have made a post. This is not really a choice but Jessie and I have just moved into a new house with our friend and we have yet to obtain a connection to the internet. So I end up connecting at my parents house and not really getting much accomplished besides checking what's new. But, hopefully by the end of this week we will be up and going again. Many pictures of the new house are to come, plus some new tunage from my brain.

So yeah, today is another day when I wish I had never been born. This has been going on since I was about 9 and I have to say it's getting really hard to want to be alive. I don't feel any validation. I don't know what I have to do to gain the will to live. People try to help but their words bring no comfort. I can't get out and accomplish things because I'm too depressed to try. I don't know whether it's just our society, whether it's chemicals in my brain, or whether it was my peculiar upbrining. But I guess it doesn't really matter, I live for another day. "If there were no reward to reap, no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would have walked away by now."

"Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters to me."

Hokay, first things first I do not mean any offense to either Heterosexuals nor Homosexuals. This writing is a brain experiment meant to ponder the question "Why Homosexuals?" from a strictly evolutionary standpoint.  It has nothing to do with morals, nothing to do with fears, but everything to do with the notion of human sexuality and it’s use for continuing the species.

Your preference for “the plug” or “the socket” makes absolutely no difference to me and I think any two people who love each other deserve to be together. Or, in other words I support the legalization of gay marriage (why it’s not legal in the first place I’ll never understand-cause I’m pretty sure that only the bible states what “marriage” is and it has no business in our legal matters).

With that, I leave you this essay to ponder.


    So through out time and even across the species of mammals we have heard reports of males or females wanting not the opposite sex but the same. This seems completely contradictory to a species that has sex to procreate their genes. The desire to continue your DNA is so deeply engrained into your wiring that it consumes everything about you whether you realize or not. It is the single reason you exist on this planet in the first place, everything else about you is merely a byproduct of the neural connections you developed over the years; giving rise to intelligence and personality. Even love is nothing more than a certain strain of chemicals originating inside your brain, consequently flowing through your veins, making you want to procreate with someone.  Now love is a very vague word and I don’t really like to use it but in this case I assume you understand my meaning; that desire to want to be with a particular person that doesn’t originate as merely sexual. So if the human species is wired to constantly procreate, given our females do have the capacity to have “a bun in the oven” all year long, why did the genetic mutation of homosexual pop up and become so prevalent in our society today? What purpose does it serve on the timeline to infinity for our species?

    I would at first say that homosexuality acts like a built in defense mechanism against over population of the species. But quite possibly it might just be a genetic mutation that pops up in a certain percentage of all mammalian populations (ergo. If there over 6 billion bears on the planet rest assured there would be a lot of gay bears). Through out history though, homosexuals may have felt unfullfilled from not being able to procreate, but given our intelligence and the technology of in vitro fertilization this is no longer a factor. Homosexuals everywhere can have a child of their own using a donors sperm or surrogate mother-and probably in the near future you won’t need a surrogate mother cause I’m sure we can simulate the entire birth process inside a laboratory (when stem cells are finally mastered would could even create eggs). Now I am sure most of us cringe at the thought of babies being born in the laboratory cause you feel that it detracts from “humanity”. But remember that is only a word and it is use to relate the experience of here and now, it has no bearing on what future generations will find “inhuman”.  I wish I could say in the affirmative that the mental processes of all homosexuals are less irrational, they seek to obtain more knowledge of all arts, learn more worldly culture, and are generally beings that are not quick to go to war and obliterate other people. From every homosexual I have befriended this would seem the case, but I also know that it is merely a product of society-but I do feel they have a predisposition to these things. If this was the case then would they not be more fit to be leaders of the free world than us heterosexuals and our power grubbing old evolutionary ways-which is not to say that all heterosexuals are greedy, and power hungry but the dominate submissive traits play a big part into heterosexual life.

    I do not know whether heterosexuals will eventually be a dieing breed of humanity, most of us would think not. But seeing as technology will give rise to new ways of breeding we technically won’t be needed anymore. Still using a sperm from one man and an egg from a woman will give rise to mutations in the genetic code which will provide for protection against any new malicious bacteria, viruses, or a myriad of other things that could kill off populations. Humans will eventually master our genetic sequences, there is no doubt about that. How will they use it we’ll never know.




Again I hope I did not offend anyone with this. I never mean to belittle anyone’s sexuality, nor humanity, but I tend to speak in cold logic. It is my nature and I am just true to myself.

I have been thinking lately, what makes a good tune? Now of course good is always a matter of opinion and completely subjective to your taste. I listen to a lot of music and I can tell you whether it is good from a standpoint of music theory. Though to me all of popular music seems to be equal in it's manner of enjoyment, it's simply a matter of what moves you to enjoy the sound waves. The trick is I would love to compose a tune that people could enjoy (cause I need money and a large source of income) but I have no idea what people enjoy. So I compose for myself and hope that other people would take pleasure in it.

I will tell you what I think makes a good tune and I ask you to describe to me what makes a good tune for you.

-I only really enjoy a piece of music when it has climax. Not just some chorus that's moving but a central point in the music that everything has been leading up to.

-Along with that it has to have a groove, a rhythm that gets your body moving. A catchy riff is always a plus but isn't totally need to convey the musical message (though you really can't go to wrong with having lots of melody).

-Vocal melody lines need to be very dynamic. If it's not musical with varying degrees of volumes and timbre it's probably going to be pretty boring.

-Multi-metrical complex structure always makes for more interesting tunes though it is not always needed to convey the musical message.

To me I could care less about genre. That's only an after thought which allows you to group together and purchase particular styles of music but in the end is merely a restrictive label we place upon musicians.

So what's good music to you?

    I'm finding easier and easier to not worry about the future of the existence of humans. All species of animals will do as they are programmed to do. But, I do find it hard to care about doing anything. Knowing the details of our ending is probably the strangest information I have been passed. I guess power hungry men will always seek to control the whole damn earth. I would like to think that there is hope and that man would begin to share and live together as one congenial organism. Sadly, as Vash has shown me that is not the fate that awaits our kind. I find it a little funny that there is a good bit of us fearing the end of the world and the end of times coming up in a few years. I mean sure we will be pointed at the center of the galaxy which hasn't happened in close to 26,000 years but it's certainly not going to destroy us. Though it should be a beautiful site for those lucky enough to catch it. I would also hope that the majority of man would finally wise up and learn how to use logic and question those who have an authoritative power. But again, the future Vash has told me about shows that it just won’t happen. I do hope when we finally step foot on the moon that man doesn’t try to exploit it as some monetary resource or military power. Though, I’m sure he will. It’s very sad that man, a creation of nature, places himself above that creator.

I had so much positive energy whilst I was in New Orleans. I felt so good about life and being a musician. The second I come back to Mobile it just drains all the hope away from me. I become confused, irritated, depressed, and lost. This town is going to be the death of me. I just want to be back in New Orleans so I can feel at home and alive again.

I sometimes wonder whether Mobile is real or it's just a fake plastic existence where aspiring creatives are locked away from the world (that is unless you have money or know the right people). Don't bother with trying to be yourself in this town cause that isn't what anybody wants. Mobile is in need of the revolution.

A perculiar dream came to me this morning. I awoke around 2:98. I had to take tokyobound21 to the doctor for she was sick. It was located at Mobile Airport. The sky was grey. It was around 3:00 in the afternoon when we arrived. That's when her appointment was.

After circling around the roads we find some place to park and walk inside. The lines were so long to talk with the recieptionist that it was 3:17 by the time we got to her. But by then it was too late and we had missed the chance. We stood to the side as they made a mass calling of those people to come into this doubled door room which was to the left of the recieptionist. I felt so terrible that we (esspecially me) awoke so late. I felt full responsibility for this. Other friends we know were there and we sat with them and chatted. I felt the need to go to the bathroom so off I went. It was located near the front entrance.

It was the most run down trashy bathroom I had ever seen. The whole room was a dark brownish grey. There were two men inside one had already claimed a stall. The other was a black man sitting in the room with his dog. It looked like a doverman but stood nearly to my chest. I muttered to myself about finding an open stall and went into this very dark room. A single toilet was in the room though there were multiple doors to get to this room. I looked down as I released myself and looked back up and a window appeared infront of me. There was a very dark storm coming. A womans voice came from behind me and spoke something indistinct.

I awoke in real life (what ever that truly means) to Tokyo scolding her dog for urinating on the carpet. It was 7:58.

What seemed so strange to me is that this dream was the first for a few things. I have never been in a car in a dream nor scene rain. Either way it seems like it's about to storm here so I'm outie 5000.